You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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