I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
