OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
