He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
