Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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