just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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