it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
