your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
