It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
This baby is an asshole
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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