im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
