i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
