Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
