I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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