I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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