the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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