3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
