i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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