I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
