I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So here I am, sexting at work.
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