She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
