hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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