my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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