You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
