I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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