do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
