I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
