Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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