I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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