Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
