It's Friday. Sex?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
