He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
