just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
