The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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