he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
