This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
