I am spending my child support on dildos
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
