hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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