Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
