Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
