I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
