i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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