i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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