I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
