I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
