please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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