I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
