Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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