Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
