just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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