omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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