She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
