I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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