I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
