he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
